We often think of numbing as something associated with alcohol or drugs. We picture addiction, substance abuse, or someone struggling with something that has become visibly destructive in their life.
But what if numbing is much more common than we think?
What if it isn't always obvious?
It might be the hours spent scrolling on your phone. The video games you disappear into after work. The constant need to stay busy, chase another goal, or fill every quiet moment with something that keeps your mind occupied.
Not all of these things are bad. There's nothing wrong with enjoying a game, watching a series, having a drink, or working toward something meaningful.
But there's a question worth asking:
Are you doing these things because you genuinely enjoy them, or are you using them to avoid something you don't want to feel?
That's where the conversation gets a little more uncomfortable.
Sometimes We Don't Realize We're Avoiding Anything
Looking back at my twenties, alcohol was a significant part of my life. There were drugs to some extent, too.
At the time, I thought I was simply enjoying myself. I was young, going out, partying, and having a good time. That's what people do in their twenties, right?
But when I look back now, I can see that it was much more than that.
It wasn't just going out on the weekend. I was drinking heavily, finding somewhere to go almost every night, staying out until four in the morning, and getting up to go to work the next day.
It had become a routine.
What I didn't understand at the time was how much I was avoiding. There were things that had happened throughout my life that I wasn't ready to face. I didn't want to acknowledge them, and I certainly wasn't looking for ways to sit with those feelings.
It took working with a counsellor, journaling, and spending time exploring my own thoughts before I started recognizing what had really been happening.
Sometimes we don't see our own patterns until we're willing to step back and look at them honestly.
And sometimes the things we have convinced ourselves are just part of our personality, lifestyle, or routine are actually serving another purpose.
They're helping us avoid something.
Numbing Doesn't Always Look Like Addiction
Alcohol was one example for me, but it wasn't the only way I avoided things.
When I was living alone, gaming became a big part of my life. It gave me a way to connect with other people and, at the same time, avoid feeling lonely.
I could sit down, turn on a game, and disappear into it for hours.
I noticed that I couldn't always just sit on the couch and watch television. I needed something that would really grab my attention and pull me in. Something that would absorb me enough that I didn't have to think about anything else.
That realization made me look at numbing differently.
We tend to focus on the behavior itself, but perhaps the more important question is what that behavior is doing for us.
Consider some of the ways we might distract ourselves:
- Constantly scrolling through social media.
- Gaming for hours and losing track of time.
- Drinking every evening to unwind.
- Always needing background noise or something playing.
- Staying busy because slowing down feels uncomfortable.
- Constantly chasing the next goal or achievement.
Again, these activities aren't automatically unhealthy. The difference is in understanding why we're doing them and whether we're still choosing them.
There's a big difference between enjoying something and needing it to escape how you feel.
Have We Learned to Deal With Our Emotions, or Just Hide Them?
This is where I think the conversation becomes particularly important for men.
Why are we sometimes so uncomfortable with our own emotions?
For a lot of men, anger is an emotion we recognize quite easily. Think about the last time you were angry. You can probably pinpoint exactly when it happened.
But what about the last time you were sad?
Did you acknowledge it? Did you tell someone? Did you allow yourself to feel it, or did you push it aside and carry on?
I know that, for much of my life, I would have hidden it.
I think many men have learned to recognize certain emotions while becoming less comfortable with others. Anger can be easier to express than sadness, fear, or remorse. We might understand that we're frustrated without ever exploring what's underneath that frustration.
And why is anger sometimes more acceptable than showing sadness?
Why can we show that we're angry, but struggle to admit that we're hurting?
I don't have all the answers. I'm still learning to understand and identify my own emotions. I recognize that there's a lot more to emotional awareness than simply knowing when I'm happy, sad, or angry.
But I've noticed a difference as I've started exploring it.
Being able to acknowledge when I'm sad has been important. So has allowing myself to genuinely experience joy, love, and the connection I have with my wife and daughter.
These are feelings we might understand on the surface, but there's something different about actually slowing down and exploring them.
We're not just learning to feel more. We're learning to understand what we're feeling and why.
And if we're constantly numbing ourselves, we're taking away opportunities to do exactly that.
The Pressure We Carry and the Roles We Play
In the previous conversation, I explored the roles we play and the expectations that come with them.
As men, we can carry a lot of pressure.
There's pressure to be successful. To provide. To lead. To be dependable. To have the answers. To be the person others can rely on.
These expectations can become so familiar that we rarely stop to consider what they're doing to us.
We keep going. We keep pushing. We take care of what needs to be done.
And when the pressure becomes too much, we look for ways to switch off.
Sometimes that's a healthy break. Other times, it's another way to avoid what we're experiencing.
Picking up your phone and scrolling for hours might give you temporary relief, but it doesn't necessarily help you understand the pressure you're carrying.
Neither does constantly staying busy.
I've often wondered about the people who are always chasing the next goal, the next achievement, or the next level of success. There's nothing wrong with ambition. Building something meaningful can be incredibly rewarding.
But it's worth asking ourselves:
Are we building something because it matters to us, or are we constantly chasing the next thing because we're uncomfortable with where we are?
It's a question worth sitting with.
What might we be missing in our everyday lives because we're too busy to stop and feel what's happening?
The Armor We Build Can Protect Us, but It Can Also Hold Us Back
There's a connection here to the idea of armor.
Throughout our lives, we develop ways of protecting ourselves. These patterns are shaped by our experiences, the things we're taught growing up, our relationships, and the situations we've had to navigate.
Some of that armor has helped us survive difficult periods.
It isn't necessarily bad.
The problem is that we don't always recognize when those protective behaviours are no longer serving us.
Something that helped us get through a difficult time years ago might now be affecting our relationships, our ability to connect with others, or even our relationship with ourselves.
We might continue using the same patterns because they're familiar. We know how they work. We know how to retreat into them when life becomes uncomfortable.
But do we actually need all of that armor?
Are there areas of our lives where it's outdated? Where we could let some of it go, update it, or learn a different way of responding?
For me, this isn't about removing the armor completely. It's about understanding it.
Knowing where it's needed, when it's needed, and when it's holding us back.
But if we're constantly avoiding ourselves, we're never really giving ourselves the opportunity to understand why that armor exists in the first place.
And that's where numbing can become costly.
What Is It Costing You?
When I started reflecting on my own patterns and the years I spent avoiding things, I began asking myself some difficult questions.
What did I miss?
Before 2008 and 2009, I had started selling cars and was doing really well financially. I was making good money, but I have very little to show for that period of my life.
A lot of what I earned went toward partying. Eventually, I found myself in debt despite having earned a significant amount.
I sometimes wonder what I could have achieved if I had been in a different place mentally and emotionally. Could I have bought a house when prices were lower? Could I have made different decisions? Could I have been in a better position financially and personally?
I can't go back and change those years.
And I don't want to spend my life looking backward and letting regret consume me.
But I can acknowledge that my patterns had consequences.
Numbing and avoidance can affect more than just how we feel in the moment. They can impact our relationships, our opportunities, our finances, and our connection with ourselves.
Sometimes the cost isn't immediately obvious.
It's the conversations we never have. The relationships we don't fully show up for. The opportunities we miss. The parts of ourselves we never take the time to understand.
And eventually, we have to ask whether the temporary escape was worth what we left behind.
What Would Happen If We Stopped Running From Ourselves?
This isn't about eliminating every distraction from your life.
You don't have to stop watching television, playing video games, or enjoying a drink after work.
It's about becoming aware of what you're doing and why.
What happens when you put the phone down and sit with yourself for a while?
What comes up when you aren't constantly occupied?
What feelings or thoughts have you been pushing aside?
That discomfort might be exactly what you've been trying to avoid. But it can also be where understanding begins.
You don't need to have all the answers immediately. You don't need to figure everything out in one sitting.
Start by becoming curious about your own behavior.
When you notice yourself reaching for something to distract you, pause for a moment. Ask yourself what's happening.
Here are four questions I've found particularly valuable:
1. What am I avoiding?
Be honest with yourself. Is there something you're not dealing with? A feeling, a conversation, a situation, or something from your past?
2. Why do I keep doing it?
What does this behavior give you? Does it help you escape, feel in control, avoid loneliness, or temporarily switch off?
3. What do I actually want instead?
If you weren't relying on that distraction, what would you want your life to look like? What would you rather be experiencing?
4. What am I going to do differently?
Understanding a pattern is important, but what small step can you take to start changing your relationship with it?
These questions aren't about judging yourself. They're about creating enough awareness to make a different choice.
Who Are You When You No Longer Need Something to Help You Escape?
I think this is one of the bigger questions we need to start asking ourselves.
We spend so much of our lives responding to expectations, carrying responsibilities, and finding ways to cope with whatever life throws at us.
Sometimes those coping mechanisms help us get through difficult periods. Sometimes they become habits we never question.
But eventually, we need to stop and look at what's happening beneath the surface.
What are we avoiding? What are we not allowing ourselves to feel? And what might change if we were willing to face those things?
You don't need to remove every distraction or completely change who you are.
You need to understand yourself well enough to recognize when you're escaping rather than choosing.
Because the goal isn't to live without distractions.
It's to reach a point where you no longer need them to avoid yourself.
Who are you when you no longer need something to help you escape?
That's a question worth sitting with.
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