High-performing men don’t process grief they just add more armor. This is something you might be experiencing or have in the past. You might look at grief as a way of slowing you down or showing vulnerability. It might be used as a fuel to prove something to those around you and just how strong you really are. By adding more layers of armor you further protect yourself from any potential hurt.
Grief start a few different ways. The death of a loved one, divorce, job loss and depending on what one of these you experience your out look on life might be different and instead of going through the stages of grief you hide them and burry them in the pit of your stomach.
What do these stages include?
- Shock and Denial - This is the immediate “Armor-up” phase. Denial doesn’t look like lying to oneself. It looks like hyper-competence
- Pain and Guilt - Once the shock wears off, the reality hits. Because men are ‘fixers,’ we try to solve the grief. When we realize we can’t ‘fix’ death or divorce, the guilt of powerlessness sets in.
- Anger and Bargaining - Anger is a “power” emotion, so men often get stuck here because it feels more “productive” than sadness.
- Depression, Reflection, and Loneliness - This is where the “invisible tax” becomes a bankruptcy. The adrenaline is gone, leaving only the high allostatic load. Executive burnout. Suddenly, simple emails feel like climbing Everest.
- The Upward Turn - The “fog” of the cortisol spike begins to lift. The brain starts to regain some of its “RAM” for strategic thinking.
- Reconstruction and Working Through - This is where Hypnotherapy and Externalization are most effective. You aren’t just getting over it. You are actively rebuilding a new identity that includes the loss but isn’t defined by it.
- Acceptance and Hope - True acceptance for a leader isn’t “ being okay with the loss.” It’s the realization that the “Armor” is no longer needed for survival, allowing for a return to flow state.
Sadly most high-performing men get caught in a loop between stage 1 (Denial/Work) and stage 3 (Anger/Bargaining).
Using the anger to fuel “productivity” and effectively bypassing the middle stages where the actual processing happens. This is what creates a permanent layer of psychological armor.
Do these stages sound familiar to you? Have you gone through this and or are going through this and unsure what the other side looks like?
Let's dig a little deeper into the subject of grief as there is known 2 main types which include complicated and integrated grief.
The Trap of Complicated Grief: When the “Oscillation” Stops
When grief lasts 6-12 months or longer without a shift in intensity we enter the territory of Complicated Grief. For the man in the arena, this isn’t just “sadness” it is a state of being stuck that can hold you back in every area of your life.
The “Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda” Loop
Complicated grief often manifests as a bargaining trap. You may find yourself cycling through a mental loop of “If only I had…” or “I should have…” This keeps the brain trapped in a simulated past, preventing it from processing the actual present.
From a leadership perspective, this is a crisis of focus. When your mind is stuck in a “past-tense.” Your “psychological world” begins to shrink as you avoid specific places, songs, or conversations that might trigger the pain. This avoidance doesn’t protect you. It actually makes you less resilient.
Perhaps the most damaging part of complicated grief is the unconscious belief that “if I am happy or successful, I am betraying the loss.” This creates a psychological ceiling on your wealth, joy, and growth. You stop yourself for succeeding because, deep down, you feel that thriving is a form of forgetting.
A New Framework: The Dual Process Model (DPM)
Developed by Margaret Stroebe and Henk Schut, the Dual Process Model suggests that healthy grieving isn’t a straight line. It’s a swing. To heal, you must oscillate between two different “orientations.”
- Loss-Orientation (The Grief Work)
This is the “heavy lifting.” It involves focusing directly on the loss. Feeling and yearning, looking at photos, and crying. It is essential, but it is also exhausting.
- Restoration-Orientation (The Life Work)
This is where your focus on the “secondary stressors” of loss:
Learning new skills, managing the business, and adapting to a world that looks different.
The Breakthrough: In this model, “taking a break” from your grief isn’t denial. It's a biological necessity.
If you stay 100% in Loss-Orientation, you burnout. If you stay 100% in Restoration-Orientation (toxic productivity), you go numb. Healing is the ability to move fluidly between the two.
For the Men: Action as a Form of Healing
Many men resist traditional “talk therapy” because it feels like a passive surrender to pain. But in the Dual Process Model, we see that “doing” is just as important as “feeling.”
If you are a man reading this: finding an activity that pulls you into Restoration-Orientation - the gym, a renovation project, or even deep-diving into a complex work task, isn’t running away. It is giving your nervous system a tactical break. You aren’t avoiding the loss; you are recharging so you have the emotional capacity to face it later.
A Note for the Women: How to Support the Men in Your Life
If you are a wife, mother, or daughter watching a man you love struggle with loss, his grieving process might look “wrong’ or “avoidant” to you. It often isn’t. Here is how you can use the Dual Process Model to help him “unstick” his grief.
- Validate the “Restoration” Breaks
When he buries himself in a project or the gym, don’t assume he’s “not dealing with it.” He is likely in Restoration-Orientation. Instead of pulling him back into the pain, acknowledge his progress in the “new world.”
The Move: Support his need to be productive. It’s his way of stabilizing his nervous system.
- Side by Side vs. Face to Face
Most women process loss through face-to-face connection (loss-orientation). Men prefer “Side-by-side” connection.
The Move: Instead of asking, “Can we talk about how you feel?” try asking, “Can I help you with that project?” The conversation about the loss will often happen naturally once the “doing” has lowered his defenses.
- Watch for the “Ceiling”
If you notice him sabotaging his own success or joy, he may be stuck in the “Betrayal Trap.” He feels that if he succeeds, he is leaving the person behind.
The Move: Gently remind him that his success is the greatest way to honor the legacy of what he has lost. Help him see that “Restoration” is an act of honor, not an act of forgetting.
- Help Him “Dose” the Grief
Complicated grief happens when the “swing” stops. If he’s been in the “work mode” (Restoration) for months without a single tear, he’s stuck. If he’s been in “loss mode” and can’t get out of bed, he’s stuck.
The Move: Encourage a professional “consult.’ Frame it as a Mental Tactical Training. A way to ensure his “oscillations” are healthy so he can lead his family and his business with a clear head.
From “Stuck” to “Integrated”
If complicated grief is a broken pendulum, Integrated grief is a pendulum that has found its rhythm.
Integrated doesn’t mean the grief is “gone” or that you’ve “gotten over it.” It means the loss has been woven into the fabric of your life. It is no longer a crisis that stops your day. It is a quiet background note that informs your wisdom, your empathy, and your leaderships.
What Integrated Grief Looks Like:
- The memory is accessible, not agonizing. You can think of the person and feel a mix of sadness and gratitude, rather than a sharp, destabilizing pain.
- The “Betrayal Trap” dissolves. You realize that being successful, wealthy, and happy is actually the highest form of honoring the person you lost. You are living the life they would have wanted for you.
- The “Shouldas” stop. You accept the reality of the past and stop trying to “simulate” a different version of it. You become fully present in your current world.
The Bottom Line
For the high performing man, integration is the ultimate “ROI” of the grieving process. It allows you to take the depth and perspective gained from tragedy and use it to become a more grounded resilient leader.
You don’t leave the loss behind; you carry it with you in a way that makes you stronger.
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