Personal development is a journey.
Personal growth is a broad subject and can be looked at in many ways.
One that should be enjoyed as you explore who you are, learn about yourself, trust yourself, and regain confidence in the person you're becoming.
With an emphases on confidence this is a great place to focus on in your personal journey.
The dictionary defines confidence as
"The feeling or belief that one can rely on someone or something; firm trust"
"The state of feeling certain about the truth of something"
" A feeling of self-assurance arising from one's appreciation of the one's own abilities or qualities"
I was confident in certain area's in my life and in other areas I was negative and wouldn't trust myself. Filled with insecurities and always worried about what others would think. I rarely would step out of my comfort zone.
I know at this point as I reviewed area's of my life where certain things happened that created these insecurities and played a major effect on who I was and why I was insecure about myself. These key areas are just some of the ways that we can be impacted in our lives. Instances like major life events when we were younger where significant people in our lives would be super critical. Major life events related to relationships, or financial troubles.
These are just a few of the area's that can create a lack of confidence in our lives.
Personally I had a few of them that played a big impact. For context and to help understand how life experiences have an impact on who we are today and play a role in the person we're becoming I'll break down some of the area's that I struggled with and the workings of overcoming them.
Relationships for one over the years as I was cheated on leaving me feel like trust in a relationship was difficult. Lack of confidence when initially meeting people but more importantly a lack of confidence in the relationship. It took me time and work to learn that I do deserve to be in a relationship with a loving partner. This is one of the main reasons I spent so much time being single was to find my way. To have the confidence that they are in the relationship for the right reasons and I can trust them. Removing my barriers took time and with the right person she was able to support me on this journey. With reassurance to help me overcome my insecurities. She helped build confidence as this was a tough one to do alone This was an area I deeply struggled with over the years. One of the biggest lessons I learned from this is if there is a safe space with someone that can help you it's worth it. Every scenario is different and sometimes we might need to work through it alone. In this instance the start of my healing process was me working at it alone. It was able to be solidified with a loving partner that helped me over come the last few steps.
In school there was a few classes that I was struggling with and graduation wasn't looking optimistic for me. I had a teacher that even insinuated this based off my writing and how I was applying myself in classes. Hyper critical of everything that I did leading me to believe I wouldn't amount to much. Constantly questioning my abilities which carried on with me over the years. Until I was able to confront and put myself out there I wasn't able to overcome the limiting beliefs that I was carrying around. In some instances I'm still working through these. Holding onto a fear of failure and afraid to put myself out there. Even writing this I'm extremely critical and sometimes why it will take me so long to put out another blog or get my newsletter out weekly. Questioning the ability of my writing. Realizing though it doesn't have to be about the ability but it's about the message. How can someone learn from what I'm going through and overcome it. This is something hypnotherapy has greatly helped me with as well. Finding the confidence I once had in the person I am and who I want to be.
Financially I use to be in ruins. Even when making good money it was a constant struggle. An endless loop of disappointment. This was my own doing as I spent more money than I had come in. Trying to stand out amongst others acting like I had money with materialistic things. Going into collections with bad credit. One might ask what does this have to do with confidence? Materialistic items gave me a feeling of accomplishment. Giving me the ability to feel confident instead of actually being confident. I was hiding behind these items. I wasn't actually confident in myself. I was able to realize this and now have new values on what's important. I don't need to validate my success with anything or prove it to anyone. My success is built of me accomplishing the goals I set out for myself. The time I can take back doing the things I enjoy and love doing. The memories I can create. Do I still buy things I want sometimes. It's not for bragging rights though, it's for me to enjoy life and not for social proof to brag about.
There will be many instances that can create a lack of confidence. My story won’t be the same as yours. Having a lack of confidence is stemming from insecurities. If you think about different areas of your life there are points where you don't have issues. Then the insecurities were developed when something happened. This could be a major event or even small events over time stacking on top of each other. Only magnifying the situation.
There is a few big factors when it comes to insecurities relating to low confidence.
- Trauma
- Parenting
- Authority figures
- Bullying
- Finances
- Social Media
These play a huge impact in our lives. The life experiences we go through shape who are are today. They don’t have to control it though. They can give us the strength we need to become the person you want to be.
Don’t try and ignore these insecurities. In fact you want to do the opposite.
Dr. Alok Kanojia talks about confidence in an amazing way. He breaks it down as you can’t gain confidence. You already have confidence, and it's about finding it again.
If you were able to go back to when you were young you didn’t have these issues you face today and you were full of confidence. It wasn’t until a life event happened that you started developing insecurities. With these insecurities your confidence started to fade.
We have emotionally charged experiences that create the insecurities and where the problem comes in we don’t process these emotions. Quick to look at the worst in the situation and accepting the insecurities.
Processing emotions can be a daunting task and will make for another great blog. Just briefly though I'll look at this. We have to be able to process our emotions instead of holding onto them.
This is something that I actively work on everyday as I use to stuff my emotions to the pit of my stomach and hold onto everything. To over come insecurities though we can't resort to this protection.
Learning to process emotions has been a big struggle and as I'm learning to do this I feel a new me starting to come forward and the ability to help the people around me.
How to regain confidence…
Dr. K breaks down a few good ways to look at regaining confidence by dealing with the root problem. The insecurities.
- When’s the last time you were confident in a particular situation where you aren’t now?
- What changed?
- What did you feel in that moment?
- What are the beliefs you formed about yourself?
- What are some more realistic conclusions you could of drawn?
You need to go back and re examine these emotions and events. You can look for confidence and try to fake it or what ever other way you “build” confidence you want; however until you deal with the event that caused the insecurity it will be really hard to find confidence.
When that lack of confidence starts to surface….
- Pause
- Don’t fight it
- Don’t conquer it
- Don’t overcome it
Instead this is the opportunity to understand it. Looking at where it began and how the insecurity started. Was there different outcomes that could have happened in that situation?
There is always talk about tackling the insecurity by putting yourself in a situation where you have to face it. This is not always the best case and can actually make it worse.
Instead find a quiet place where you can analyze it. A safe space where the potential for it to worsen doesn’t come into play. Think of different outcomes in that particular instance.
In hypnotherapy we can work with different techniques to help with this as well. With the understanding of the Theory of the Mind by Dr. John Kappas we’re able to bypass the gatekeeper to the subconscious and see where the insecurity is and why it’s there.
This allows you to start putting action toward the insecurity and working through it. Understanding it so that you can overcome it. With hypnotherapy it's not about giving you the answer. You have those in your mind already and I'm here to help you find it.
The end result feeling more confident in those situations.
This takes time and practice. Don’t expect instant results.
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